Argue all the time? You are both good people and love each other, there is NO violence, abuse, alcohol issues or drugs involved--
but you do argue and you wonder about it, or are interested in resolving your disputes and making your relationship a 10 instead of a 9 or 8.
If so, you may enjoy taking Roland's Relationship Arguing Quiz!
Take the quiz and enjoy seeing the results.
Then if you wish to talk to Roland about it,
donate $9 and then click on the chat button and get feedback from him for 15 minutes.
Remember, you must be 19. No violence, abuse, drugs or alcohol issues. No emergencies or crises
The Informal Relationship Arguing Thermometer
Before you begin: Online relationship coaching and feedback is not for you
If there is violence, abuse, alcohol or drugs involved. Seek professional help right away where you are.
If there is no violence, abuse, alcohol or drugs, go ahead and take the quiz for educational and informational purposes only. It is for fun and entertainment and is not intended to recommend or diagnose anything.
If you
have spirited debates, both sides present their case,
and what is right wins (not who is right).
One or both of you are good natured,
and feelings are not suppressed and are out in the open.
If
You can disagree without being disagreeable.
If
when it's over, you are still good friends, and get over it quickly;
Whoever was out of line can admit it.
You both tend to be forgiving.
Other times you both can laugh and even agree to disagree
If
People in your home--kids too--feel free to express themselves.
There is no blaming going on.
Then
Your relationship is basically sound. Spirited debate and good natured give and take are okay, with everyone involved in the family enterprise, and doing their fair share of the load.
But if your disagreements result in hurt feelings. resentment, unfinished business, suppressed feelings, unhappiness, frustration and so on, then take this little quiz.
If the answer is Never, give yourself a 0
If the answer is Rarely, give yourself a 1
If Occasionally (once a month or so), 2
If Frequently (once a week or so), 3
Very Frequently (every day).4
1. My partner and I argue about minor things.
2. We argue about important things.
3. We argue about something I think is important but my partner does not think it is important.
4. We argue about something I think is unimportant but my partner does.
5. We raise our voices when we argue.
6. We don't argue openly, but I suppress my feelings and say nothing.
7. My partner clams up and I sense something wrong but s/he says nothing
8.We argue about the same thing over and over.
9. I resent my partner.
10. Our disagreements are starting to affect how I feel about myself.
11. Our disagreements are beginning to affect aspects of my sense of well being.
12. Our arguments have resulted in a complete shut down of communication.
Add up your score.
0-9 No need for concern at this time (as long as there is no violence, abuse, drugs or alcohol involved)
10-19 Some maintenance issues here that should be address now so you can move forward and won't have bigger relationship repair issues later.
Definitely time to see if any resentment is involved. If so, let it go. Time to get things on the table to discuss and find a strategy to solve them amicably and reasonably. Look at your own role first, and then discuss with your partner. Take some pro active steps to avoid things getting worse.
19-29 Cause for concern. Definitely time to see if any resentment is involved. If so, learn how to let it go. If possible, it is time to get things on the table to discuss them reasonably and amicably and find a strategy to solve them. Begin to take loving care of your relationship. Take care of each other and take care of yourself too. Be positive and see the good things about your partner.
Look at your own role first to make sure there is no resentment or unreasonableness on your part, and then discuss with your partner.
Take some pro active steps to avoid things getting worse.You still might be able to resolve things by letting go of resentment, having friendly and honest discussions, and being more forgiving with each other.
But you may also wish to get some feedback and coaching from someone seasoned and helpful (a wise aunt, a trusted mentor, a pastor or pastor's wife, for example) or a caring professional you know and trust who has both your and your partner's best interests at heart.
29-39 Cause for concern. Definitely time to see if any resentment is involved. If so, learn how to let it go.
If possible, begin to discuss an issue reasonably and amicably and find a strategy to solve it. Look at your own role first to make sure there is no resentment or unreasonableness on your part, and then discuss with your partner.
Take some pro active steps to avoid things getting worse.
You still might be able to resolve things by letting go of resentment, having friendly and honest discussions, and being more forgiving with each other. But it is probably is time to get help.
Get some feedback and coaching from someone seasoned and helpful (a wise aunt, a trusted mentor, a pastor or pastor's wife, for example) or a caring professional you know and trust who has both your and your partner's best interests at heart. If you don't know someone, then consider looking for someone who shares your values and who is into problem solving and relationship mending. Ask your mentor, pastor, or caring and trusted professionals you know and who know you if they can suggest someone.
Also time to take good care of yourself and to protect and foster your positive outlook, peace of mind, and spiritual and physical well being.
40 and over. Your relationship is in trouble, or issues have developed that will lead to major relationship disrepair and unhappiness if not addressed. Stay calm and don't over react.
Your relationship needs help. Find help from a marriage mentor, pastor, or caring professional who you know and trust.
If you don't know someone, then look for someone professional who shares your values and who is into problem solving and relationship mending. Ask your mentor, pastor, or caring and trusted professionals you know (and who know you) if they can suggest someone. Look for someone seasoned, trusting, caring, and who has both your and your partner's best interests at heart.
Begin to take good care of yourself and to protect and foster your positive outlook, peace of mind, and spiritual and physical well being.
_________________
The above assessment is an informal relationship arguing assessment. It is not intended to diagnose anything. It is intended for educational and entertainment purposes. It may be helpful to increase awareness about aspects of your relationship for discussion and to foster seeking pro active strategies to improve your relationship.
If there is violence, abuse, drugs or alcohol involved, you must seek professional help immediately where you are.
Online counseling is not for you if you have thoughts of hurting yourself or others, if you are in crisis or a distressed state, or if someone in your family is in danger, you must get professional help immediately from resources available to you where you are.
We do not handle emergencies, abuse or domestic violence issues.
Roland is a marriage coach and a pastor. His books and articles, and individual consultation provide feedback from a pastor's perspective and pastoral and spiritual counseling.
