My Husband Doesn't Listen

There's a joke about two husbands talking. One says to the other "My wife says I don't listen to her . . . . . . or something like that."

Wives complaining that their husband doesn't listen is one of the top 3 complaints that women bring to marriage counseling.

Whether it is lack of communication, arguing, depression, or unhappiness in marriage, there is an often overlooked and little understood factor, called resentment, that contributes to, reinforces, and prolongs negative emotions and a host of associated symptoms. Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD has written extensively on this topic, on coping strategies and about taking positive steps to move forward. In this blog, he comments on resentment in marriage and how it exacerbates arguments and hurt feelings.

There are some great educational resources about understanding each other's styles and practicing better listening skills. Dr. John Gray has some excellent do's and don'ts for the ladies to facilitate their husband being involved and listening. And he's got great tips for the men too, and he shows how not listening contributes to your wife's stress levels. If you like, you can write to me or send me an email and I can give you a couples of books or links to find the resources.

But I go a little deeper and help people recognize and let go of resentment. By now you probably realize that all the techniques and tips in the world won't help, no matter how good they are, if you are resentful.

Here's a little story to illustrate how resentment can hurt a relationship. The names are fictitious but the story is a common one, affecting couples all around the world.

Josh and Kaitlin just had another big argument. This time the huge spat was over the toothpaste tube.

Last week they had a big argument over money. Two weeks ago the argument was over whether to have the window open or closed.

Each time she throws everything in his face. He clams up. Nothing is solved. Another layer is added to unfinished business and baggage from the past, which resurfaces the next time they argue.

To the untrained observer, it would appear that the issue was the toothpaste tube, money or the
window. But to Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD, not so.


"The toothpaste tube is only the occasion for pent up hostility, suppressed angers and long standing unfinished business to burst forth."

Roland continues: "Here's the rest of the story. Josh comes home from work and sits down in front of the television. Kaitlin had been working all day and taking care of the kids. She feels unappreciated.

Josh can sense that she is angry about something, but he doesn't want to begin a conversation because he knows the dam will break and she will throw a long list of things in his face. So he avoids talking.

Josh stays home in the evening even though his friends want him to play cards with them. He is angry because she does not appreciate his sacrifice. Kaitlin complains that the repair he made in the bathroom is not working so she is going to have to call someone else to do it who knows what they are doing. Josh feels like she does not respect him.

Kaitlin wants to talk. She hopes the maybe when thy go to bed, they can talk like they used to. Josh falls asleep right away. Kaitlin feels unloved.

Kaitlin admits to her friend that she tends to throw everything at him all at once. He probably feels overwhelmed says her friend. I know, says Kaitlin, but I can't help it. I keep trying to get his attention."

And once she does, everything that she has been holding in comes out. Afterwards she feels guilty about it.

Josh tells his friends that he loves his wife, but "she is never satisfied with anything I do." "I'm always wrong."

Soon one or both of them are thinking: "I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of not being appreciated. I'm tired of being the one who has to work on our marriage. I'm tired of always giving in for peace. We have nothing in common. The love is gone."

Here's the bottom line, says Roland. Kaitlin is resentful. And so is Josh. It is the resentment that causes the accumulation of hurt feelings and hostility. The accumulation of upset leads to either exploding in anger or suppressing and clamming up. Neither is healthy.

Resentment washes away reason. Resentment takes away the ability to be reasonable and calm. It leads to frustration and upset. These lead to discouragement, feeling tired, negative thinking, stress and physical symptoms that stress contributes to.

I can help, says Roland. By learning to let go of resentment, you stop upset, frustration, bitterness, discouragement and all the other negative emotional symptoms and feelings. It is also resentment that makes you feel empty.

Roland's practical solutions are based in understanding. "I describe the why of what is happening. I talk about men and women, about how they are different and about the common mistakes we make. Understanding is the answer. And when you become aware of what is really going on and see many good reasons for letting go of resentment, your new understanding will help you feel better and become more joyous and positive.

If your partner also develops understanding, then your relationship can become heaven on earth! If only you become more aware and mature in your understanding, you are still much better off because you will be able to deal gracefully with situations and spare yourself the upset, frustration and emptiness you now feel.

"Another thing," says Roland. "Many people know they are resentful and want to give it up, but don't know how. I know how, and I show you.


What I teach should be common knowledge, but you can hardly get these insights anywhere else. Sure there are some good marriage and relationship programs or counseling. The seminar leaders, writer or counselor may be working with bits and pieces of the solution. But I have the whole and I put it all together. With others, you get some pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, but I can give you the complete picture.


"Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your
computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Now here is the good part!


 Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Soooooo, any donation (yes, even a small donation like $2 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help me out--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!


Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?
What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me – now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.







"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino    

It's like a relationships seminar in a box!

 

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

 

This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues. 

If you liked The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage you will love this book.  

Been married for many years and have some issues? This is the book for you. 

Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.

 Want Putting the Forever Back in Love in paperback? Click here to see it at Amazon

Get a free eBook and help Roland--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!   

You'll benefit from Dr. Roland's 25 years of experience. Plus his books are a good read. 

You'll also  be saving up to 80% off retail price. 

When you send a donation to help Roland, you are actually paying forward to help others. Roland volunteers his time to help others and he frequently gives materials away free to people who can't afford anything. 







 

Roland Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 16 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years.

In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.