My Husband and I Argue All The Time
"All couples argue," says Roland Trujillo in a recent radio interview. Read the whole interview
"All couples argue. Because you have two different people with different needs and different opinions, arguing is inevitable.
In fact (and this is controversial) men and women live in different worlds. So again, disagreements are to be expected.
So why is it that when we watch a debate on television, we enjoy it, but at home debates deteriorate into arguments and get ugly? What is the difference?
Here is the difference
1. In a debate we don't take it personally. At home, our ego gets involved.
2. Resentment. At the office or in a debate, we can be objective about things. At home we become resentful. I talk about this in my book and in a popular article I wrote entitled "What is the Number One Cause of Divorce." Look in right sidebar for daily specials
3. No one has taught you the right way to argue. If a couple argues about what is right instead of who is right--and what is right wins--it is a win-win for both. I talk about this in my new book.
4. And this is important--we need to understand the difference between men and women.
And there is a difference. "Vive la difference!" as the French say. In my book I tell the story of men and women, all the way back to paradise lost in the Garden of Eden.
I talk about how misunderstanding each other's true needs leads to confusion and feeling empty."
"Don't worry," says Roland. "It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable. In fact, if we can learn to love each other instead of resenting each other, we might even be able to live happily ever after. "
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Josh and Kaitlin just had another big argument. This time the huge spat was over the toothpaste tube.
Last week they had a big argument over money. Two weeks ago the argument was over whether to have the window open or closed.
Each time she throws everything in his face. He clams up. Nothing is solved. Another layer is added to unfinished business and baggage from the past, which resurfaces the next time they argue.
To the untrained observer, it would appear that the issue was the toothpaste tube, money or the window. But to Dr. Roland, not so.
"The toothpaste tube is only the occasion for pent up hostility, suppressed angers and long standing unfinished business to burst forth."
Roland continues: "Here's the rest of the story. Josh comes home from work and sits down in front of the television. Kaitlin had been working all day and taking care of the kids. She feels unappreciated.
Josh can sense that she is angry about something, but he doesn't want to begin a conversation because he knows the dam will break and she will throw a long list of things in his face. So he avoids talking.
Josh stays home in the evening even though his friends want him to play cards with them. He is angry because she does not appreciate his sacrifice. Kaitlin complains that the repair he made in the bathroom is not working so she is going to have to call someone else to do it who knows what they are doing. Josh feels like she does not respect him.
Kaitlin wants to talk. She hopes the maybe when thy go to bed, they can talk like they used to. Josh falls asleep right away. Kaitlin feels unloved.
Kaitlin admits to her friend that she tends to throw everything at him all at once. He probably feels overwhelmed says her friend. I know, says Kaitlin, but I can't help it. I keep trying to get his attention."
And once she does, everything that she has been holding in comes out. Afterwards she feels guilty about it.
Josh tells his friends that he loves his wife, but "she is never satisfied with anything I do." "I'm always wrong."
Soon one or both of them are thinking: "I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of not being appreciated. I'm tired of being the one who has to work on our marriage. I'm tired of always giving in for peace. We have nothing in common. The love is gone."
Here's the bottom line, says Roland. Kaitlin is resentful. And so is Josh. It is the resentment that causes the accumulation of hurt feelings and hostility. The accumulation of upset leads to either exploding in anger or suppressing and clamming up. Neither is healthy.
Resentment washes away reason. Resentment takes away the ability to be reasonable and calm. It leads to frustration and upset. These lead to discouragement, feeling tired, negative thinking, stress and physical symptoms that stress contributes to.
I can help, says Roland. By learning to let go of resentment, you stop upset, frustration, bitterness, discouragement and all the other negative symptoms and feelings. It is also resentment that makes you feel empty.
Roland's practical solutions are based in understanding. "I describe the why of what is happening. I talk about men and women, about how they are different and about the common mistakes we make. Understanding is the answer. And when you become aware of what is really going on and see many good reasons for letting go of resentment, your new understanding will help you feel better and become more joyous and positive.
If your partner also develops understanding, then your relationship can become heaven on earth. If only you become more aware and mature in your understanding, you are still much better off because you will be able to deal gracefully with situations, and spare yourself the upset, frustration and emptiness you now feel.
Another thing, says Roland. Many people know they are resentful and want to give it up, but don't know how. I know how, and I show you.
Other people think that being more forgiving means giving in for peace. But I can show you that it is resentment and guilty that makes you keep quite or give in now. I can show you how to let go of resentment, which frees you up to express yourself and speak up (without resentment).
What I teach should be common knowledge, but you can hardly get these insights anywhere else. Sure there are some good marriage and relationship programs or counseling. The seminar leaders, writer or counselor may be working with bits and pieces of the solution. But I have the whole and I put it all together. With others, you get some pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, but I can give yo the complete picture.
The price for this 315 page book is $14.50. A portion of all eStore sales is donated to help homeless pets at animal shelters. The rest helps Roland help others. Buy now.
For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in pdf. format as a token of our appreciation.
Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
and author introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage.
For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.
Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.
Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?
This long awaited book answers these questions and more. For years, listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the radio. Now his advice for couples is crystallized in this unique look at relationships. Roland talks about the “how” of loving, forgiving, and reconciling. He will help you understand how resentment blocks love, and how to become unblocked.
Roland even explains how the ancient story of Adam and Eve is still repeated in homes today. This book is for anyone interested in relationships, why they get in trouble, and how to repair them
The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.
318 pages of insights and solutions
Written by Dr. Roland Trujillo Doctorate in Pastoral Psychology and based on 22 years of counseling and coaching couples
Here are just some of the topics discussed
The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness
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Roland Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 14 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 23 years.
In his new 315 page book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage--Making Relationships Work Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success. His book is available in quality paperback at Amazon.com and in in eBook at Scribd.com to download to your mobile device or computer.
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