My Husband and I Have Nothing In Common

When asked the secret to their 55 year marriage, Billy Graham said "My wife and I are happily incompatible."

"Roland, my husband and I have nothing in common."

Is this something new? Or something you are just discovering?

I'm guessing that you are just discovering it, now that your life is quieting down.

When we are young, we are all caught up in the excitement of dating, romance, getting our first apartment, having kids and so on. We also get caught up in our work. And so we were busy.
Then when kids came along and were little, we had something in common--the kids. 

Perhaps now that things have quieted down (the excitement of the honeymoon is over, things have become predictable, the kids may have left home or whatever), you are looking for someone or something to keep you distracted like things used to be. Now you are not getting that from your partner, and so you have become resentful over it.

When we are just getting started in anything--be it a new job or a new marriage--it is exciting and that keeps us distracted. Then work and perhaps kids keep us occupied and busy. Work or kids become a focal point around which everything revolves.

But as time passes, and the initial excitement wears off, we start to become aware of a sense of being unfulfilled. We naturally tend to blame our partner for this negative feeling.

You are becoming aware of a sense of being unfulfilled that has always been there. It is natural to look to your husband and to blame him for this. Here is something profound to ponder: we are all looking for the father we have never known. It is love we are looking for. True love. And only true love can fulfill. If your husband finds this special agape, emotionless love, and you find it in him, this is very beautiful.

If he does not have it, or has not yet found it-you can still find it, and here is the secret. Let go of resentment.  It is resentment, judgment (and blame, bitterness, etc) that block your finding this love from within that takes away the emptiness.

Perhaps also, we start to become less starry eyed about our marriage and our partner. The honeymoon is over and we begin to assess what we are interested in and what our partner is interested in. We see that there is somewhat of a mismatch.

Our puppy love may have been mostly an emotional thing. It usually is. Something like the way kids will get all excited about a new toy, but when their excitement wears off, they get bored. Kids "love" ice cream. But if they ate ice cream breakfast lunch and dinner for a few days, they would get bored and no longer love ice cream. They might even hate it!

When we get a shiny new car, it is exciting. But once we get used to it, and then start to have repair bills, we become disenchanted.

Most of us "love" others in the way the child loves ice cream or the way we "love" a new car--for how they make us feel. .

Real love (which few people really know what it is) is abiding. It is not a feeling. It does not quit on another because that person is not exciting or interesting. Real love is not based in excitement or feelings. It is emotionless. That's why it does not change. It is steadfast. It is not based in catering to egos or having our ego catered to.

So what I am saying is that it is natural, for all of the above reasons, that the thought might arise that we and our partner have nothing in common.

Does this mean that we must be unhappy in our marriage or that we must divorce? No, of course not.

Perhaps you are just discovering that part of your love was just emotional or even a little selfish. Just don't resent discovering this, if it is the case. It is the resentment that brings about many negative thoughts and feelings. Whether it is resentment against yourself, your partner, or the truth itself. Just watch it and let it go.

Another thing. I remember when I was a kid many years ago. Back then, after dinner at some gathering of family or friends, the women went to one part of the house and talked (and had fun) and the men went to the living room or the patio and sat around and talked (and had fun). Each group had different interests. They lived in different worlds. They did not feel a pressure to have to share and be interested in the same things.

Another factor today is that families are smaller. Some families consist of just the two partners without kids. Many families only have one child. Combine this fact with how extended families are now all spread out. You can end up with just two people living all alone in one city with family members hundreds of miles away.

This puts increasing pressure on the two partners to try to and expect to fulfill all of each other's needs.

It is okay to have different interests. It may be even be okay to have nothing in common (I said may be okay--when there are deep divides over important issues, it can be a problem).

If your partner is basically a good guy, then let's first look at what may be making things more difficult. First let's look at resentment. This often overlooked emotion negatively tinges everything. Resentment makes it impossible to be objective and to know what is really going on.
Resentment leads to a focus on one's self and one's needs.

I know a couple that has been married for over 25 years. They got married for all the wrong reasons, and now have nothing in common. They both have lots of activities and projects to work on. They appreciate each other's differences because they are not resentful. They love each other, but it is not an emotional thing.

That is why life is a school, and marriage is an institution within which we can work out our differences and learn to be unselfish.

It's not going to be a picnic.
But it was not intended to be one.

Here is the bottom line: forget about all the media talk and pop psychology talk about getting your needs met.

If you are like most people--your marriage, your life, your emotional state of well being, and perhaps even your health will begin to change for the better when you learn to drop resentment and judgment. Especially against your husband.

It is natural and proper that a wife would look to her husband for wisdom and love. It should be that he recognizes her true needs and has the love and wisdom to meet those needs. So, when he fails her in some mysterious way, she resents him. That is a human reaction. But although it is an all too human reaction, it is also a wrong and very harmful one. One we need to look at.

Read part two - my follow up article with some new suggestions, penned December 2012


Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
and author introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.

Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?

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Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Purchase at in quality paperback for $14.95Link
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"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino    

It's like a relationships seminar in a box!


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Been married for many years and have some issues? This is the book for you. 

Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.

 Want Putting the Forever Back in Love in paperback? Click here to see it at Amazon

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Roland Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 16 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years.

In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.

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