"I think my husband hates me."
Here is a free communication questionnaire. I'm hoping that you guys just have different communication styles that are leading to misunderstandings.
One lady said, "I think my husband hates me" Actually he did not hate her. I'll tell you more about her marriage later. But right now, here is a little questionnaire to do a little communication check up on your marriage.
It is totally not meant to be scientific and it is not meant to diagnose anything. But after 25 years of relationship coaching and several books, I came up with these questions for this fun little questionnaire. They give us something to talk about.
Please note: this questionnaire is only for marriages where both partners are good people and there is no violence, abuse, or emotional abuse. See advisory at the bottom of the page.
Just answer each question yes or no. If you are not sure, go with your first impression. There will be time to reconsider later.
1. My husband has become less communicative that earlier in our marriage.
2. When we are having a meal with other people, I do most of the talking.
3. He mostly talks about work.
4. When I want to talk about some issue, he clams up and says nothing or just one word answers.
5. He mostly wants to talk about sports.
6. Sometimes he walks away when we are having a discussion.
7. When he comes home from work I want to talk but he just wants to watch television, read the paper, or nap.
8. We have don't have a lot in common.
9. He talks more to others than he does to me.
10. I resent my husband.
11. I have a hard time forgiving him for something he did.
12. My husband is uncommunicative just like my father was.
13. My husband has a hobby that I think he devotes too much time to.
14. My husband spends more time watching sports than with me.
15. I think my husband resents me, but he tries to hide it.
16. Opposites attract. We were totally different and that is why we were attracted, but now it seems we have nothing in common.
17. I tend to be moody.
18. My husband is under a lot of stress at work.
19. I am under a lot of stress at work.
20. We are having some financial difficulties.
21. I think my husband spends too much time at work.
22. My husband is not mean or rude, just uncommunicative.
23. We make up after an argument.
24. My husband never says anything bad about me to others.
25. My husband insists that he does not hate me.
26. One of the reasons I think my husband hates me is because he is not as romantic like he was when we were first married.
27. My husband and I laugh at the same jokes.
28. There are some things that we enjoy doing together.
29. One or both of us have been under a lot of stress lately.
30. My husband says he will never leave me.
31. My husband does not flirt with other women.
32. I love my husband.
33. Our kids like their father and say that he does not hate me.
Add up the number of yes answers.
Now compare with this little scoring guide.
A score of
A score of 25 or more means that there is some misunderstanding between you two and possibly some unresolved issues that need attention. It does not mean that you husband necessarily hates you, it means that you strongly feel that he does. So there are some things to work on.
A score of 20 to 24. This score is typical of many marriages. But it does indicate that you feel that your husband hates you, even though many of the things listed are typical of marriages.
A score of 15 to 20 is very typical of many good marriages! I'm guessing that you two have more in common than you think, and chances are he is a typical guy.
A score of 10 to 15 means that you guys are way above average when it comes to communication.
A score of 5 to 10. A marriage made in Heaven. You should write a book.
A score of less than 5. Either you guys are saints or you are living apart.
Men and women tend to have different communication styles because they are wired differently. We expect more from each other nowadays, and that is why I made this little questionnaire. I am hoping that I can save a marriage or two. I am convinced that there are some nice ladies who have a good husband but think he hates her, when he actually does not.
There is the story of a husband and wife who were married for 50 years. On the morning of their anniversary, the husband said he would make breakfast. When he brought her breakfast in bed, she burst into tears.
"What's wrong," he asked.
She sobbed and said: "All these years you've been giving me the end slice of toast which I don't like. And now on our 50th wedding anniversary you give me the end slice again.
But darling, he said, the end slice is my favorite, and I gave you the end slice because I thought it was your favorite too."
A humorous story, but a sad case of misunderstanding.
Men tend to be less communicative. They tend to talk less. Men are more task oriented than relationship oriented. Sometimes men don't say anything because they don't know what to say. Or they do not want to add more energy to an already emotional situation. Sometimes men feel like she is judging everything he does, and he feels like he will be wrong no matter what he says, so they say nothing. Sometimes men have let way too long go by without saying anything, so they are afraid that if they said something that anger would come out. So they are suppressed.
You can't make a man into a man. Give him some space. Let him take charge of some things, even if you don't approve of how he does things. Watch out for judgment.
Men: Your wives and your kids need you to be there emotionally for them. Be ready to listen. As the years go by, you should become more fatherly. Less of a big kid and more like a patient, wise noble man. Watch out for resentment.
Putting the Forever Back in Love - my most recent relationship book
Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice - shows how men and women process stress differently. By John Grey, who wrote the excellent Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
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