Read Free Chapter One of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage
Relationships make the world go around. We
love people and we hate them. We want to be around them and then we want to get
away from them. We can’t live with them, and we can't live without them.
And nowhere is this more evident than when
it comes to dating, courtship, long term and short term relationships, partners
and spouses.
First I want to say that all relationships
start off with excitement and dreams of living happily ever after, and yet a
large percentage end up as a living hell. Many of us saw our parents arguing
and fighting and we hated it.
We were sure that our relationship would be
different. But once we got involved with someone for awhile--sure enough, soon
we were arguing—and we are lucky if it was merely arguing. Sad to say the daily newspapers are full of
stories about arguments that turn into violence or even murder.
Something is wrong. If love turns into hatred, then it wasn’t real love
to start with. It proves that what most people think of as love is not really
love at all.
Some relationships settle into long ones.
Many appear happy and fulfilling on the surface. But the truth is that many are
not. Something is still wrong. Each partner suffers--he in his way, and she in
her way.
I remember when I was a boy, my mother had
some good lady friends. I was surprised and shocked by what was said about
their husbands. Each wife not only openly complained about and criticized her husband,
but also stated that she was secretly unhappy and unfulfilled.
I was shocked because in private they seemed
to have contempt for their husbands, and what was said in private was quite
different than what was said when the husbands were present.
I also got to listen in to what the husbands
said when, for example, the men would go fishing while the women did something
else.
When I was with men, I heard a different
story. The men were unaware of their wife’s secret unhappiness or of their wife’s
secret contempt. The husbands thought
that everything was basically okay with the marriage.
The men did admit that their wives never
seemed to be satisfied. The wives always wanted something. They wanted him to
lose weight, to stop smoking, get a better job (like some other friend’s
husband had), or go to church more. The wife wanted him to improve or change in
some way.
The wives, according to the husbands, were apparently
never satisfied. They wanted a bigger house, more furniture, a vacation, or
something. But when she got it, she was still not satisfied with it. Nor was
she satisfied with any self improvement he made. She always found something to
disapprove of. Yet the husbands were not aware of their wife’s secret
unhappiness or that the wife was complaining about him behind his back.
The husband typically said that his wife was
confusing, and he was at a loss as to what she wanted.
But like I said, for the most part, the men
thought that the relationship was basically okay. Without trying to be rude, I
must say (to use an old expression) the men were “fat, dumb and happy.” They
did not suspect the deep unhappiness their wives were feeling.
Occasionally one of the husbands or wives
would privately remark that they were staying together “for the sake of the kids.”
It seemed as though the wives were far unhappier
with the husbands than vice versa. Somehow they wanted something from their
husbands that they were not getting. The wives seemed to think that what was
needed was better communication, intimacy and sharing that would make things
right.
But
their unhappiness and continued complaints no matter what their husband did
proves that it was something deeper that they needed.
They could not put into words what they
needed. But I can. And I will spell it out in this book.
Their husbands could not figure out what their
partners wanted. They tried everything--from flowers to champagne and hot tubs
for two—but nothing seemed to satisfy the wives.
I will tell you husbands later what your
wives really need, so keep reading.
Roland Trujillo has been helping people with life and relationship issues for 25 years. He is the author of 18 books.
