Why Do So Many Marriages Fail? Advanced Concepts in Relationships

Let me say that men must bear most of the responsibility for what goes wrong in a marriage. I personally think that women suffer more because they are more aware of something being wrong. Men tend to be kind of dumb in such matters. Men tend to think that just going to work and taking her out to dinner once in a while is all that is needed. He just doesn't get it. But it is ironic that the man is supposed to be the dispenser of wisdom.

The man is supposed to have understanding and wisdom, and from it longsuffering and patience. Instead many men are like big kids. So, men, please read what Coach Roland has to say.
If he could learn to be more fatherly and stop demanding that she support his ego; then she could stop playing the role of tease or nag. If he had real love, she would not have to tease him for it (only to be disappointed again). And when she was finally assured that he loves principle more than anything in the world, so that he would never fail her, she could stop giving him such a hard time. All the bickering could stop, and they could be very, very good friends.
Ladies, now that I have placed responsibility for what is going wrong squarely on the shoulders of the man, let me say that your problem is most likely that you just can't resist judging him for his failings.

Yes, all men (including the author) have failed women, and so they are ooooh so judgeable. But I have to say that judgment is a terrible sin. It fixates you to the object of judgment, and by way of guilt (for the judgment) locks you into an endless cycle of love and hate. It leads to deterioration in one's being and to bitterness.
When we become quite resentful and judgmental, we find it almost impossible to be objective. A resentful wife can become so hateful toward her husband that she literally cannot see any good in him. Even if he improved, she would not see it..
The ability to stand back and look at the situation objectively is of absolute importance. That way, error can be observed without resenting what one sees. Another's wrong can be observed without judging (hating and condemning) the other for it..
So, if you are like most couples, you are arguing all the time. As long as there is no violence, then perhaps all you need is to
get my book or listen to some of my radio programs..
Because men and women are different, because most couples bring baggage to the marriage, and because there is so little wisdom out there--most young couples will have a rough time (without a little coaching from someone with understanding like me). Probably you have bought the cultural foolishness about what love and what marriage are all about.
Love is not sex; nor is it just hearts and flowers. Nor is marriage just for pleasure or getting our needs met. If we buy into the popular misunderstandings about marriage, then we will feel cheated, deprived of getting our needs met, and we will be resentful.

Before I go any further, let me just say that sometimes one person is a very disturbed or criminal person. This is exceedingly difficult for the other person. But in this article, I will address the more common situation, where both are basically decent--not perfect, of course--but decent. There is always hope in such a relationship that a positive change may occur..
Let me also say that when misunderstandings occur--and they will occur--both sides become so fixated resentfully on the other's wrong that neither really looks at their own attitude. So, for the moment, put aside picking apart the other's wrong. Stand back and see if you can look objectively at the relationship between men and women in the light of what I am about to say.
If received with a spirit of humble inquiry, it could be a life changing break through for you. You will see that all couples around the world are in the same boat: they are struggling without understanding. And so, they begin to resent each other, instead of understanding what is really going on..
A whole lot of soul searching, a change of heart and willingness to give up resentment, judgement and blame are part and parcel of maturing and learning not to be selfish. Then perhaps all you will need is a little basic training about the nature of women, the nature of men, and a little understanding about our fallen human race..
You might be able to salvage your marriage, with the two of you becoming very good friends, and perhaps living happily ever after.
The evidence that what I say about the man/woman relationship is true is all around us. For example, you probably have decent friends--who you know for sure are nice people--making terrible mistakes and suffering, fighting and hurting each other.
You wonder why they can't just stop arguing and just love each other. It is only in the light of understanding that their error makes sense. You will be able to avoid the same mistakes, and perhaps one day even help them.
Marriage is not just two animals coming together. People have souls, and the human race has a history. And marriage has a purpose. It is an institution ordained by God to bring children into the world, and a framework within which to learn not to be selfish.There is an ancient mystery between men and women going all the way back to the Garden of Eden.
There is a legacy of misunderstanding that is passed down from one generation to the next. It is hard to convey all I wish to say in just a few paragraphs, but I can provide a few hints to get you thinking along these lines.
Divorce is not the answer. Just living together is not the answer. Just lovey dovey flowers and candy is not the answer. What is needed is understanding..
All the arguing and bickering that people have observed in their parents has led some people to try to avoid marriage by not getting married (by just living together). But as I stated previously, living together is basically a lack of commitment. The same dynamics that occur in marriage occur in living together. The only difference is that without the commitment and honor that is found in holy matrimony, living together is more likely to degenerate and fall apart..
I am not saying that just going through the motions of a ritual will make a bad marriage good. All I am saying is that marriage is an institution, a framework in which to work out the ancient mystery between men and women. Just because there is one bad marriage does not mean that the institution of marriage should be rejected; no more than just because there is one bad mayor, that the office of the mayor should be abandoned.
Am I saying that people who are living together are condemned? Of course not! What is needed is not condemning or condoning. What is needed is understanding.
Abraham Lincoln once said that two people can disagree without becoming disagreeable. Arguing, especially if done in the right way, gets things out on the table and is better that the typical eerie silence with resentment and secret hostility underneath. If one person is unreasonable--it should just draw forth more reasonableness in the other. Remember: what is right is more important than who is right. When right prevails, then it is a win-win for both.
For example, let's say that one side wakes up, sees their selfishness and begins to live properly. Let's say the other side continues to tease, taunt, misbehave, and be unreasonable. This will be a test, perhaps a severe one, of the sincerity and commitment of the one who got better. If he (or she) should continue to shine, do his (or her) duty, and not become resentful or bitter--it inspires respect and a feeling of security in the kids.
Especially if it is dad. They see that dad's love is not overcome by mom's resentment or unreasonableness. They marvel at his invisible means of support. And they respect his beyond and may one day wish to find what he found: His love of His Creator and inner principle.

What is the answer? Understanding. Each of us must wake up and begin to see our own selfishness. We must honestly admit that we are more interested in our own comfort and ego needs that the well being of others. We use another's wrong to puff up our ego in judgment, and then we use their wrong as an excuse for our behavior.

For example, many a resentful wife will serve her husband out of resentment. Her service is a way of making up for the guilt of secret hatred and judgment. Her service also makes her feel like a wonderful martyr, sacrificing herself for others who don't appreciate her.
Can you see that this sort of service is based in hatred? Because it is not out of love (but out of guilt for the resentment). Everyone outside the family thinks she is wonderful. But things are not always what they appear.

Those within the confines of the family sense something wrong. The sensitive ones see the hypocrisy and reject it. Those that are bamboozled, buy into a lie and become converts to phony love. Another type of wife or mother uses all her work and service to validate her goodness. What she does has a hidden agenda. All in the family are required to see her in a certain light, and those that don't, receive the brunt of her wrath.

Men tend to use sex or work to validate their manhood. Remember, humans are a fallen race. We have fallen from what love is all about to become creatures who need lies and ego reinforcement to reassure us. We fell from an agape emotionless love to sex love. Humans originally were meant to live forever. But when Adam defected from God's way, instead of regenerating perpetually, he went to generating sexually. He came to know the life that leads to death, the animal way of making replacement bodies to carry on.

That is why sex represents failing. Of course, it serves a good purpose, bringing children into the world. But sex is not supposed to be used for ego reinforcement. But that is exactly what most men use it for. It is a fix to reassure their wobbly ego that the animal is what a real man is all about.
Actually a real man is the one who eventually learns to moderate his sexual practices out of consideration for his wife. He is the one who makes what is right more important than who is right. He begins to live for principle. He becomes more fatherly. I also must say that marriage is not meant to be a pleasure party.

The main benefit of marriage is to bring children into the world. And a secondary benefit is that once in marriage, one begins to discover that there is a lot more going on between men and women than is obvious on the surface. There is an old joke about marriage being like a three ring circus: First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering. It's a joke, but there is a lot of truth in it.
Most of us do not know how to suffer properly. The egotist suffers egotistically and resentfully. But for the sincere person, suffering awakens us to search for answers: to ask what have I done to bring this on myself? During the searching process, the sincere seeker learns to suffer in quiet dignity, not resentfully. Suffering properly can actually be a good thing. It is sobering and chastening. It leads to humility and thoughtfulness. And it engenders respect in others.
Most men get married for the wrong reasons. They find someone who supports their ego or makes them feel good. They later discover that this gives her the power. She becomes the god of his fallen animal ego. She motivates him to be ambitious and when he begins to falter, she nags and teases him to get him functioning. He feels trapped with a woman boss.

She, on the other hand, was aware of his weaknesses before marriage; but she thought her love would turn him in the prince. If she is a decent woman, she hoped that he would be the knight in shining armor who would rescue her from her unhappiness. But when he turns out to be an oaf; and when her love, instead of making him better, makes him more of an oaf, she becomes resentful. She begins to nag him and make demands, trying to whip him into shape.
Often he does respond and perform, though some men rebel to another woman or the bottle. She nags him and motivates him to work, only to later discover that he becomes married to money or his work. She feels betrayed. Some women are glad to take advantage of the situation, and he becomes the work horse.
On the surface, everything appears to be okay, but it is a shallow existence and a materialistic one. In some families there is fighting. In others an eerie resentful peace (with parties being resentful, bitter and angry underneath).

So what is the answer? The answe
r is to begin to wake up and realize that humans are metaphysical beings. Men have a beyond and women have a beyond. In the Garden of Eden, Adam's beyond was heavenly principle. But he turned his back on it. Eve's beyond was the dark side, with the serpent's clever beguiling behind it.

When Adam turned his back on God through doubt and disobedience, he became subject to the woman AND HER BEYOND. Bear in mind: it was not her fault. It was Adam's fault for using her to pursue his secret ambition.

That is why marriage must be the woman joining herself to the man, and if he is principled and decent, to his beyond. Not vice versa. She will be rescued from her dark world and brought into his brightness.

But God help the man who reverses the order and joins himself to her and her dark side. All hell will break loose, and his life won't be worth a plugged nickel. Sometimes the woman wakes up first, and stops the game playing. The contrast of her brightness and modesty will shame him into awakening.
If he welcomes the truth, and is willing to change, then both will live happily ever after. If he is stubborn in his selfishness, he may run off to another woman or the bottle. If so, "good riddance to bad rubbish" as the old saying goes. There simply is no future with an incorrigible selfish egotist.
But at the present time, chances are both are so involved in resenting and judging, that they can't really know the heart of the other. Men, look at your own selfish use and be more considerate of her needs.
Ladies, watch your own judgments, and stop giving your husband such a hard time that he doesn't have the space to find himself. We must also wake up to see that we have been resenting and blaming the other person.

Most of us are basically selfish. We want our needs met, and when they aren't met, we become resentful and begin to look elsewhere. Some people are troubled by their own selfishness. They wish to understand what is going on and seek true answers. It is for these people that I write. Don't expect a lot of help from the world.
Most of the so called experts give more of the kind of advice that obviously isn't working. They may be well meaning, but their advice is ego supportive. What we really need is the Truth that awakens and corrects aberrant egos.

So, what if you are in a troubled marriage now? If you are the man, chances are you are angry. She is not happy with anything that you do. She is in charge of your life.
You saw that anger does not work. Express it and you look bad, get in trouble, or become a tyrant. Repress it and you get tummy aches and headaches or worse. Of course, anger management helps. But only as a quick fix to teach you some behavior modification skills or how to transmute your anger in work or sports instead of violence.

But what you really need is understanding: you need to see and be sorry for your selfishness. You will see that anger is born in selfish. But you will also see that wimpiness is copping out from your role of dad and father. If anger gives her power, then wimping out and handing control over to her does the same.
The man must search for the wisdom of Solomon and the patience of Job. He must learn how to stand for what is right in a no nonsense way without anger. He must learn to be kind and considerate. He must learn to stand for principle. He must learn to be more fatherly. Of course, a good aunt, grandma, or uncle's advice can be very helpful. They have been there, and they have the wisdom of years.

But for the most part, your journey of discovery will be a solitary one. You must learn to stand back and observe, with objectivity. Seeing the big picture of a situation will permit you to see why you must not become angry. Why you must not resent. Why you must seek in your heart for what to say or do.

If you do not know how to stand back to get the big picture, get the meditation we have at the Center For Common Sense Counseling. It will teach you how. What is needed is understanding. You need to understand what is going on, so that you won't over-react. For example, gentlemen, if you begin to see your wife as a person instead of an object of use, your understanding will begin to mitigate your behavior. You will become more considerate, less angry, more fatherly.

Ladies, perhaps your searching will lead you to see that what you are really looking for is the father you have never known. Most dads lack an inner bond with the Creator. Most men are women oriented. They do the best they can, perhaps being good providers, but without the inner bond, they cannot give the love they do not have.
What we all need is agape love, emotionless love, the kind of love that comes from God. This love is not a feeling. It is corrective of our ego excesses. It leaves us feeling chastened and throws us back on ourselves. In the Light of Truth we see our error, and we become self corrective.
True love has a humbling quality to it. And afterwards, a sense of joy and freedom. True love is liberating. Such love can come through a person (who gets their ego out of the way). But it is not from the person. It comes through them. If we see it in another, especially our father, it is a wonderful thing. But ultimately, we must search within, and if we are blessed, find it within.

Here is a hint: You may find it when you are willing to drop your judgments and resentments against others. When you forgive others, then your Heavenly Father forgives you, and when you no longer seek the ego supportive love of the world, you are rewarded with His warm love from within.The truth with love is supposed to set us free. But few of us have the love to set others free.

But back to the topic at hand. I once had a listener who could not understand why she so resented her husband. He was decent, hard working, honorable, always there, and kind. But he lacked something special (a love that comes through him from God). I explained to her that she was looking for something from him that he could not give. He cannot give what he does not have.

This was a profound insight for her. She realized that he had not found love from God. Thus he too was empty and suffering. When he was a little boy, he was hurt and damaged; and he never fully recovered. He could not give what he did not have.An insight like this, if realized deeply, can lead to being able, for the first time, to drop resentments against the other person. And when you forgive the other person, then your Heavenly Father forgives you.

Just beyond forgiving others and dropping our grudges and judgments, comes the healing fulfill love from God warming our soul.

Ladies, you cannot make a man into a man. Even if you were to succeed, he would be in your image, with you as his god. Men, do not look for love from your wife. Give love instead. Become more fatherly. Look upon others as if they were naughty school kids. Set a good example. Be forthright, but kind. Do not have expectations as to what the other person should be like or do. Be there for your family.

"Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your
computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Roland Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 17 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years.

In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.

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