Arguing In Marriage

If it is any consolation to you, arguing is very common in marriages. You could almost say that all the squabbling and arguing are "normal." I would almost venture to say that if a couple isn't arguing--something is wrong.

If there is silence, then it is often an eerie silence, with buried resentment and hostility underneath. Or it's a marriage in name only (like some celebrities get married just to further their career). Or perhaps one person has completely shut down.

Arguing is par for the course. Men and women are different and live in different worlds.

Someone once said that "a good marriage is a good fight." Yes, there will be arguments. But there is such a thing as a good fight. A good fight is when what is right wins. When reason prevails.

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But when one or both parties are selfish and do not understand what love and marriage are all about, then the argument will be angry, resentful, petty or hurtful.

We must learn how to argue the right way (where what is right wins, not who is right). And we must learn to make our points without resentment and anger.

But more importantly, we must have a deeper understanding of the nature of men and women, why they are different, and what their true needs are. By now, you have probably seen that something much deeper is going on. You also see that hearts and flowers, and lovey dovey talk is not the answer. You may also have discovered that many if not most of the so-called experts don't really know what they are talking about. Often their own personal life is a mess.

And even if some expert has some good ideas, something is still missing. What is missing is understanding. Give up resentment and seek understanding.

I'll just give you a tiny preview of where this is all going. A man has to learn to be a man, and no one can make him into a man. He has to find it himself. He must learn how to relate to his wife without resentment. If he is resentful, he will likely shut down and become suppressed. He must also discover what is right and stand for it--but with a twinkle in his eye. He must learn to stop making his wife into his mother or his god.

The wife must learn to not resent her husband. And she must learn to let go of judgment. Resentment and judgment will lead to guilt (for resenting and judging). Later it leads to unhappiness and bitterness. She must also learn that you cannot make a man into a man. Her efforts to control and change him will backfire.

Read more about why we argue in The Number One Cause of Divorce