Why Do Couples Fight?
She feels unloved and he feels trapped. She is unhappy about something and he can't figure out what she wants. Something is going on underneath.
On the surface, there is squabbling, nit picking, nagging, sniping, or long periods of silence. But under the surface, there is resentment, anger, and judgment.
Sometimes one party does not realize how badly things have deteriorated. For example, there is the workaholic husband who thinks everything is fine, but all of a sudden, out of seemingly nowhere, she says her needs are not being met and she wants a divorce.
But underneath the surface is resentment, misunderstanding, and selfishness. We have been misled and have lost our way. If only we had understanding.
Doesn't it seem odd that after 6,ooo years of human history, we still haven't figured out what's wrong? The best minds and experts have had thousands of years to work on the problem, tens of thousands of books have been written, and somehow it still eludes their grasp. article continues below
Roland's ground breaking book My Husband and I Argue All the Time: Time tested truths for healing relationships is now available in both quality paperback and ebook.Look inside. . . . .
Today, many people just live together instead of getting married. They saw their parents arguing, so they reason that if they don't get married and just live together, they won't have the same problems their parents had. But of course, it doesn't work. In fact, the studies are showing that informal arrangements are no better than the formal ones.
You see, marriage is not the problem. The problem is the common misconceptions about what marriage is all about, as well as our selfishness. In other words, we have the wrong idea about what love, sex, and marriage are all about. I'm not blaming the couple, because the media, the schools and sometimes even the churches are not passing on solid advice to us.
Often we are being taught the wrong thing. For example, the songs, the novels, television and the movies say or insinuate that sex is love. And the sex education courses imply this by the way the material is taught. Yet, don't we all know in our heart that true love is far more profound?
I guess you could say that the notion of romance is getting closer to the truth. It's a sweet idea and beautiful.
But many husbands and wives have discovered that something more than hearts and flowers is required. Her husband brings her flowers and she is still is dissatisfied. He scratches his head and can't understand what she wants.
If you read my book or listen to my radio programs, it will be a real eye opener. But I think you will eventually conclude that what I say is what you knew in your heart anyway. There is a ring of truth to it. And when someone says what is true, it helps you grasp with conviction what you intuitively know in your heart but doubted.
Men and women are different. Most men are a little weak--either angry and weak or wimpy and weak. Instead of finding an inner strength, most men look to women to support their ego. This tempts her to rise to the occasion or supporting him in his ambition. But, her support only weakens him, making him more beastly or wimpy. Eventually she resents him, but then feels guilty.
The bottom line is this: no matter how hard she tries, a woman cannot make a man into a man. He has to find it himself. But as long as he is a people pleaser, he will tempt his family to have contempt for him.
The man's problem is a big one: he's got to see that he lacks the kind of fatherly love that his wife and family need. He's got to admit he doesn't have it and then find it.
The wife's problem is somewhat easier. She must learn not to resent him. If he is weak or angry, he is tempting her to resent him or hold him in contempt. She must learn to see his wrong but not resent him for it.
The wrong of another person won't hurt you if you don't resent it. This does not mean that you have to like it or sweep it under the rug. See the wrong, but don't hate.
So like I was saying, if it is any consolation to you, arguing is very common in marriages. You could almost say that all the squabbling and arguing are "normal."
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