Hello, my name is Roland Trujillo PhD. Just call me Roland. I wrote the book on arguing in marriage. You can see its front cover on the right. The small print reads "Time Tested Truths for Healing Relationships."
After 21 years of counseling and 26 years of marriage, I am convinced that arguing in marriage is not necessarily a bad thing. It makes you aware that you have differences. It puts them out on the table so you can look for solutions.
Learning to argue in the right way may actually improve your relationship.
The issue is not so much the arguing, but why we argue and more importantly how we argue. There is such a thing as arguing in the right way.
I've been helping people solve relationship issues for over 20 years on my radio advice program, and arguing is one of the most frequent issues I am asked about.
In a recent radio interview I said that all couples argue. It's not so much the arguing that first needs to be addressed. It's the effects on our mental, emotional, and even physical well being that hurt feelings, irritation, suppressed hostility, anger, resentment, and unfinished business have. If you are arguing in the wrong way, or if emotions are getting the better of you, then you need to read more.
I offer strategies to help you eliminate the irritation, frustration, and upset. You''ll then be able to be more poised and feel less stressed.
- I have a Three Step Plan to Resolve Couples Conflict
Step One. I can help you learn to take a step back and look at the situation objectively. This is done mainly by watching for and letting go of resentment.
Without resentment, the anger, irritation, frustration and hurt feelings diminish.
This is good for you, your state of mind, your emotional health, your well being AND your relationship . . . . .
- .Step 2 Learn to argue in the right way.
Abraham Lincoln said that people should be able to disagree without being disagreeable. We all need to learn the art of arguing--where what is right wins, not who is right. We must learn how to win an argument in the right way. And how to make your points calmly and reasonably without capitulating even if you don't "win." When what is right wins, it is a win/win for both sides.
"Argue in the right way? Are you kidding me?"
It is absolutely is possible to argue in the right way. Think about a high performance workplace. People are involved. Everybody feels free to speak their mind. Ideas are put on the table. There is spirited debate. There can also be a spirited debate in a relationship over important issues.
- Step Three. Book camp. That's right, boot camp.
Most people have the wrong idea about marriage, sex, love, and what marriage is all about. We tend to think that it is about having our needs met. Then of course there is the wrong but universal notion that sex is love. Then there is the the whole business of romantic love. Romance is nice and it has its place. It's wonderful if it is there naturally. But an overemphasis on romance can lead to frustration. Actually marriage is a framework within which to work out our differences and learn to be unselfish.
So here I am, I'm like a good grandpa, a wise matchmaker, or a senior marriage mentor. I can help you figure out what is going on, and possibly help save a good relationship.
How to get started. Read What is the Number One Cause of Divorce.
Then look over some of my articles on marriage and realtionships at Ezine
Then order the book and read it.
If you need a little counseling or coaching, I am available.
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