My Marriage is Falling Apart

 When asked about his 50 year marriage success, Billy Graham said "my wife and I are happily incompatible." 


My husband and I are both good forgivers.

-- Ruth Bell Graham 

 Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century   -- Mark Twain

My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.  --  Winston Churchill

Hello. My name is Roland and I've hosted a radio advice program for almost 25 years and I passed the million listener mark long ago. I'm the author of 16 books. My wife and I have been married 29 years.

Someone said that my book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is like an advanced relationship seminar in a box.

Nobody cares more about repairing relationships than I do. A reconciliation between a parent and child or between a husband and wife still brings tears of joy to my eyes. There are many ways in which marriages fall into disrepair, but the main factors are resentment and a lack of understanding of what marriage is all about.

I will tell you right now that I'm especially helpful with two very important issues. One, resentment. Resentment is the biggest contributor to marriage break ups that exists. The problem with resentment is the way it affects you physical, emotional and spiritual well being. Resentment can give you a headache or worse.

Maybe a marriage can be repaired and maybe not. But for sure, letting go of resentment will at least help you preserve your well being. I can help. And maybe, just maybe, your relationship can be salvaged.

The second area that I can help with is understanding the deeper dynamics of the man/woman relationship. A deeper look into relationship dynamics will explain a lot to you, and help you have patience and not feel so responsible for everything that goes wrong.

There are many reasons why marriages fall apart. The most basic one is that we are human. It may sound trite, but the truth is that all of us are imperfect. And when two imperfect people bond together, there are going to be some differences of opinion.

Soon resentment is added to the equation. And this is the recipe for disaster. Begin with resentment. Then add some unfinished business from the past. Soon the arguing, misunderstanding and hurt feelings begin to snowball.

We know we need to be unselfish, but everything seems to feed our selfishness.

First the emotions of anger, resentment and hurt feelings support our ego in its judgements. Then there are the magazines, television shows and books that cater to us. The problem is that they also tend to cater to our selfishness. Soon we start focusing on having our needs met and doing our own thing.

Friends may be nice but (unless you are lucky enough to have a wise true friend who tells you the truth), friends are supportive and they will agree with you when you tell them about how wrong your husband is, for example. Besides, your friends are most likely having issues similar to yours.

Lucky you are indeed if you have, as I said, a true friend or a wise aunt or uncle. Someone older and wiser who insists upon duty, selflessness, and humility.

So, dear reader, you are often on your own. The whole world, together with your negative emotions, are pulling in the direction of break up and divorce. Yet you know in your heart that it would be better somehow to stay together.

(Of course, if there is violence, abuse, criminality, drug use or infidelity on the part of your partner, then your health and safety and the safety of the children are of prime importance. Separation and divorce may be the best option in such cases).

But I am addressing myself to the couple where both partners are basically decent.
This is the way it is in most relationships. Both are a bit selfish, need to mature a little bit perhaps--but are basically good people.

That is why I said that if you are basically good people, you know in your heart that trying to heal your relationship would be the best outcome.

So, you are imperfect and so is your partner. Maybe you have both changed. Maybe one of you has changed or matured, and the other hasn't. Maybe you gave up alcohol or drugs, and s/he hasn't.
But just bear in mind that "I have changed" is often an excuse to justify resentment and finding an easy way out.

I haven't even mentioned the effects on the kids.


More than anything--great wisdom, discretion and superb skill are required to stay the course and do the wise thing. The more unreasonable your partner is, the more reasonable you must be. Bear in mind, sometimes you can weather the storm just by not doing the wrong thing.

Therefore, I would like to start with a very basic but extremely important thing. 

Take a look at resentment. See the harm it does, and see why it is an unreasonable response. Right now, chances are your ability to see clearly, assess what is really going on, and make reasonable and intuitive choices, is clouded and distorted by negative emotions, particularly resentment.

If you could learn to watch for resentment and let it pass, you would become more centered and would then be in a much better position to make wise choices. 


Read "My Marriage is Over" the most common reason why people say this, and why I would like you to perhaps reconsider.






"Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your
computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.



 

Roland Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 17 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years.

In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.