My Marriage Is Over

 Is it really?

Sometimes it really is, like when the other side files for divorce or is a drug addict.
Or when you have to get help from the authorities because your partner is abusive or violent. Or when your partner brings home a venereal disease from who knows where.

When a partner is a serial cheater it should be over.

Or when one side desperately wants children and the other side adamantly refuses -  it may be over.

But all too often, this statement is an emotional one, based in resentment, after a last straw.

I read over at the Huffington Post where one lady's husband did not want to celebrate New Year's eve and sat on the couch and watched basketball instead. She went upstairs and watched a romantic movie where the young actor and actress were kissing passionately. She wanted passion, and so she called it quits.

Another lady read the shades of gray book and then asked her husband to do something in the book. When he refused, she wanted out.

Years ago a young guy watched a movie called  Come Blow Your Horn (with Frank Sinatra) about some swinging guy, and then a movie called Boeing, Boeing (with Tony Curtis and Jerry Lewis) about a swinger who was dating stewardesses.  Years later he decided his marriage was over so that he could go enjoy the swinging life style he could not forget from the moves he watched in his impressionable youth.

Like I said, if your partner is a really awful person and doing terrible things, then it may be best if it is over. But if your partner is a decent person, not perfect, but decent--then beware of voices in your head whispering negative or grandiose statements.

I have to be here as a voice of reason and at least help insure that you do not do something dumb. Bear in mind that divorce often means financial ruin. I have also seen it mean emotional ruin, harm the kids, and health ruin too.

Kids don't like divorce. If you have kids, read Between Two Worlds - the emotional life of children of divorce by Elizabeth Marquardt. Read the Unexpected legacy of Divorce - a 25 year landmark study by Judith Wallerstein.

I have zero tolerance for violence or abuse, and I have zero tolerance for drug use. I always encourage the parent to put her safety and her children's safety first and foremost. You need to get professional help and help from the authorities to protect yourself and your children from a violent or criminal spouse.

 But I am addressing this article to the average man or lady whose partner is decent.  There is no violence and no drug use--just a series of little things that become irritants or a lack of communication and feelings of having nothing in common. Most marriages are not violent. And most unhappy marriages do not have violence. So I am writing to the majority of people who are temporarily unhappy and thinking of divorce, but are not in an abusive or violent relationship.

I would prefer for you to hold off on a decision that your marriage is over, either a spoken decision or an interior feeling decision--if it is because of some of the following.

These are typical reasons for the statement "my marriage is over" that you will find all over the Internet. Don't get me wrong--these are real issues (and I venture to say that there are few married couples, who have been married more than a few years, who have not felt most or all of these probably hundreds of times over the years).

I'm just saying don't be too quick to throw in the towel. And don't verbalize "our marriage is over"  to your partner (unless the judge had just signed the divorce decree--and even then there is such a thing as reconciliation).

So here are some of the very typical reasons that make a partner think the marriage is over

1. We live in separate worlds.

2. There is no intimacy (sex)   

3.  We have nothing in common.

4. Every time we talk, it turns into an argument

5. There is no more passion.

6. My partner refuses to try.

I will address these issues in subsequent blog posts.

Here is the next in the series "We Live in Different Worlds"

Another in the series: "There is no intimacy in my relationship."

In this post, I address the issue of "all we do is argue"

Does Divorce Affect the Children?

I Hate My Husband - Thoughts from a Marriage Coach
Comments on the excellent Huffington Post article by Iris Krasnow  about women who have moments when they hate their husband but somehow successfully stay marriaged anyway, excerpts from Katherine Anne Porter, and results of the report by the National Marriage project

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"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino  

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Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?

What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me –now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered. 

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Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage

How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam and Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice

The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

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Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

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This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues. 

If you liked The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage you will love this book.  

Been married for many years and have some issues? This is the book for you. 

Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.

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