"There is No Intimacy in My Marriage"

This is a post in the series that began with "my marriage is over."  When you look around the Internet you will see that there are a few reoccurring reasons given for someone saying "my marriage is over."

One of the frequent reasons given is "there is no intimacy in my marriage or relationship"

This, of course means, most likely, "we're not having "s  .  .e..  .  x."

I devote a couple of chapters in my book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage to the topic of sex in marriage.

The shocking truth is that sex is not as important as it is made out to be by the the media, the popular magazines, the television series and the soap operas, the manufacturers of potions for e.d. and anyone who makes a living off of our sexual insecurities.

I talk about this topic more in my book, The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage, but here I will just say that the purpose of marriage is to raise a family, and to learn to be unselfish. During the first few years of a relationship, sex is fun and God made it pleasurable for a reason.

But as the years go by, other things take priority in life--devoting oneself to the children, making a living, finding one's purpose in live and living it.  Then one day the kids are all grown up and soon mom and dad are middle age or even early retirement. Grand kids come along. Now you are a grandma or grandpa.

Pardon me, but I somehow think of grandma and grandpa as being dignified.There comes a time to begin to graciously lay down the things of youth.

A man should become more fatherly. He becomes wise and noble. Less of an animal.

Holding hands, looking at the sunset, talking about things and sharing family moments can be very sweet and satisfying. Just lying side by side can be cozy and loving.

If there is a little marriage moment from time to time, that's nice. But it should not become a big deal.There are many so called sexless marriages where both partners live busy, productive and satisfying lives. 

When someone is not happy, most of the time it is not because of a lack of sex, it is because they are resentful.

There is also quiet joy in sacrifice, honor, fidelity and service.

And don't let some 24 year old with a master's degree and who knows nothing about life tell you how someone should live the latter decades of their marriage. You tell her instead!

Marriage is not about getting our needs met. It is a framework within which to work out the ancient issues that began in the Garden of Eden, and which each new couple will also encounter.

I appreciate these words from Mark Twain:


Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
   


It is not good if one partner is withholding marital relations resentfully. But if it just diminishes over the years, don't worry about it. It's actually a blessing not to have sex on one's mind all the time. How many kids were pressured to perform, and their joy was robbed from them and their piano playing was ruined by performance anxiety. Now the pressure mongers and the meddlers are ruining the bedroom with their performance mantra.

I love the anecdote about the men who were talking, and one said "I sure got in trouble last night, when I came home from playing cards at 3 AM, my wife woke up and gave me hell."  

The other man said: "I come home late and it's never a problem.  Here's what I do. When I come home at 3 AM,  I stomp loudly up the stairs, fling open the bedroom door and say with a loud voice: 'Darling, give me a great big kiss.' She pretends that she is asleep."